Tuesday, May 31, 2016

It Moves

In these days of beautiful hot summer weather, all I have to do is look around and see that life carries on. It is impossible to dwell on loss when there is abundant, noisy life surrounding me. This was Mom's favorite time of year, when everything was growing and blooming. It is a shame that she missed it; however, I know to the deepest depths of my small mind that she is experiencing the unnameable peace of being At One which exponentially takes precedence over earthly summer. She is in eternal summer.

There are many who scoff at faith. Uncertainty, ignorance and suffering do make a case for nihilism. Believing takes courage and that can be hard to come by. However, I have so much to do. I go back to work tonight. I have to buy textbooks. I have boxes yet to unpack and dogs to feed, I have an appointment with my landlord to keep and mail to pick up and a bunch of phone calls to make. In short, I have to go on. As I consider my state of peace, I reckon that going on is easier because I believe, and because the present has so much to offer.

As the years go by, which they will, I may look back on these days when I abnegated grief-- or better, was spared complicated grief-- because I learned to accept life on life's terms prior to this loss. If anybody had the choice, they would never lose a loved one, we would all continue happily till the end of time. This is just not the way it goes. So I must continue, reasonably happy, with everyone I still have.

It is simple. Time moves. I can move with it in peace and gratitude, or I can push against it. I've had brief wonderings about my own soul-- is it weird to be grateful for life at such a sad time? Am I heartless because I haven't collapsed in fits of sobbing? Am I selfish for laughing, going to the lake, swimming, grilling, and going kayaking instead of observing silence? Of course not. I'm alive, and so much more so now because of sunlight and heat. Until I'm dead it is up to me to fill my hours with love so that my years will bear fruit.